Happily Ever After

Good evening friends and family.

I hate blogs. I hate them for making messy things look clean, ugly things look nice, and life look peacefully pleasant. I suppose I made this in spite of all that. Life landed me in the shit-hole as it does to all of us at some point, and for once, I am here to talk about it. So, this is dedicated to all the people who have received my vague answers in the past 3 months. To those who's texts remain unanswered. To those who have just been wondering what the hell I have been up to (if this group exists). And hopefully, at some point, it will be for those who don't give a flying fuck about any of the above right now but are wondering if they are the only one suffering in silence. Before I really get the ball rolling, I guess I should preface this by apologizing for my foul language in advance, but I really don't think I could get through this without some healthy swearing. 

And there it is, my favorite word: "Healthy". This word has driven me for much of my life. It drives so many of us. Stressing over eating "healthy" foods, and working out with a "healthy" workout regime, and overall just attempting to live in accordance to the unrealistic expectations society claims necessary for a fulfilling life. I have recently learned (and am still learning) a lot about true health and it's all encompassing meaning. But learning to embrace it is hard. Why is it hard? Because health means treating your body with kindness. Health means an all-inclusive and balanced lifestyle. Health means acceptance with imperfection. Health is needed in physical, mental, and relational spheres of your life. These ideas might be new for many of us, but especially new to those of us with an eating disorder.

There, I said it. 

Putting that out there is a battle on it's own. Taking ownership of our struggles feels like a loss because, God knows, we are all supposed to be "strong" and "put our best foot forward", so everyone around us can stare in awe wondering how we are still in one piece. I am making it easy on myself and simply putting my struggles on the internet, so I can continue to avoid introducing them in person. Like I said, I am still a work in progress, myself. "But, Gloria", you may ask, "Surely you say 'work in progress' in the sense that you've got it mostly down, especially since you are writing about it for other people to read! There must be some sort of profound insight you have had by now, right?" Hell no. I am only at the beginning of my recovery journey and let me just tell you it is, as we called it in residential, a cluster-fuck. But here's my thinking: Why wait for the happy, full-circle messages I can give at the end of this road, if it ever comes, when I can explore the muck of days in treatment as they come through the vessels in my hands and a keyboard?

One thing I have gained insight on is my own, personal desire to share the good news. The good news that (according to my dietitians and others in this community because I still have a ways to go) there is another way. Culture can shift and I want to help make it in the direction of intuitive eating, body positivity, and HAES, concepts that I hope to introduce to you, the general public, in the near future (unless, of course, I leave this a half-assed, one post blog like it's trillions of other abandoned blog siblings out there on the web). I know this particular post leaves just about as many unanswered questions as when it began, but hopefully more clarity will be soon to come.

Glo