Best(?) of Both Worlds
There is a stark difference between what is okay in the treatment world and what is okay in the real world. My experience this past Sunday can provide numerous examples of how compartmentalizing between the two can be tricky.
I went over to my girl scout leader's house for a meeting on Sunday. Inevitably, there would be food there because it was a social gathering and that is simply part of our culture. Of course this made me nervous going into it. I had already eaten lunch before I went over there and it would be about an hour into the meeting before it was time for my PM snack. I was worried I wouldn't be able to hold off that long, I was afraid that I would eat more than my exchanges, and I was afraid that people would wonder why I was being so weird about food. All I did was watch the other girls eat. I watched them snack on the foods, stopping when they pleased and tasting the different sweets without breaking a sweat. To think it didn't (to my knowledge) cross their minds that the food they were putting in their bodies was inherently evil and the declared enemy of choice fascinated me. While I sat there distracted by counting the minutes until my allowed snack time, my peers were engaged in the conversation and with one another's company.
In said conversation, the word "purging" was used in the dialogue a couple times in a row. As you can imagine, this caught me and my mom, who was also in the meeting, off guard. For those of you who don't know, the defining behaviors of bulimia are binging and purging, specifically with that vocabulary. To hear these words to describe something other than what I would do after dinner still feels foreign. Almost as foreign as it appeared for others when I announced how I was feeling anxious (which is to be expected after hours of talking about mostly food). I guess I had forgotten the abnormality that typically comes with stating how you truly feel in reality when we do it at the beginning and end of every group, for four groups a day at CFD. It was shortly after my unrequested feelings check-in that we started to head out the door. One of the leaders asked me a series of uncomfortable questions and statements, but really just uncomfortable for me. She began by asking me if I was working as I was obviously not in school, so I answered with an abrupt "nope". It didn't end there. She proceeded to tell me how she hoped I was no longer anxious from planning the camping trip and that there would be "a lot of food there and it will be a lot of fun". I burst out in laughter, said "okay!" with a hint of sarcasm, and headed out the door to laugh with my mom.
I do realize that I can't change the global culture that places food at the center of everything. I realize that the valuable things I am learning about health will not be accepted by everyone. But in all honesty, I am not in a place (yet) where the comments and conversations from people in everyday life that are not very "recovery-minded" can just roll off my back without a sting. The recovery mindset is still one that is new and fragile for me. In treatment, the hope is that I will grow strong enough to hold firm in my beliefs surrounding what my body deserves and also have deep enough roots in those beliefs so that a hurricane of social culture won't waver them. What might those beliefs be, you may be wondering. Are they really that radical to cause so much controversy? The short answer: no.
The longer answer will involve me sharing a few snippets of the foundation of eating disorder recovery. The cool part is that you don't have to have had an eating disorder to apply these principles to your life! Anyone can improve their relationship with food from where it is by utilizing the intuitive eating mindset. In short, there are 10 principles of intuitive eating that I will list below:
In conclusion: I don't want to hear about your diet. I don't want to hear about how many calories you burned at the gym this morning at an ungodly hour. I am working from coming back from that, and I barely have the strength to fight against my own negative ed thoughts. I don't have the time or energy to fight anyone else's disordered thoughts and behaviors at this point in time. But trust me, as soon as that energy is there, I will be fighting for true health for everyone until I can't anymore.
Glo
I went over to my girl scout leader's house for a meeting on Sunday. Inevitably, there would be food there because it was a social gathering and that is simply part of our culture. Of course this made me nervous going into it. I had already eaten lunch before I went over there and it would be about an hour into the meeting before it was time for my PM snack. I was worried I wouldn't be able to hold off that long, I was afraid that I would eat more than my exchanges, and I was afraid that people would wonder why I was being so weird about food. All I did was watch the other girls eat. I watched them snack on the foods, stopping when they pleased and tasting the different sweets without breaking a sweat. To think it didn't (to my knowledge) cross their minds that the food they were putting in their bodies was inherently evil and the declared enemy of choice fascinated me. While I sat there distracted by counting the minutes until my allowed snack time, my peers were engaged in the conversation and with one another's company.
In said conversation, the word "purging" was used in the dialogue a couple times in a row. As you can imagine, this caught me and my mom, who was also in the meeting, off guard. For those of you who don't know, the defining behaviors of bulimia are binging and purging, specifically with that vocabulary. To hear these words to describe something other than what I would do after dinner still feels foreign. Almost as foreign as it appeared for others when I announced how I was feeling anxious (which is to be expected after hours of talking about mostly food). I guess I had forgotten the abnormality that typically comes with stating how you truly feel in reality when we do it at the beginning and end of every group, for four groups a day at CFD. It was shortly after my unrequested feelings check-in that we started to head out the door. One of the leaders asked me a series of uncomfortable questions and statements, but really just uncomfortable for me. She began by asking me if I was working as I was obviously not in school, so I answered with an abrupt "nope". It didn't end there. She proceeded to tell me how she hoped I was no longer anxious from planning the camping trip and that there would be "a lot of food there and it will be a lot of fun". I burst out in laughter, said "okay!" with a hint of sarcasm, and headed out the door to laugh with my mom.
I do realize that I can't change the global culture that places food at the center of everything. I realize that the valuable things I am learning about health will not be accepted by everyone. But in all honesty, I am not in a place (yet) where the comments and conversations from people in everyday life that are not very "recovery-minded" can just roll off my back without a sting. The recovery mindset is still one that is new and fragile for me. In treatment, the hope is that I will grow strong enough to hold firm in my beliefs surrounding what my body deserves and also have deep enough roots in those beliefs so that a hurricane of social culture won't waver them. What might those beliefs be, you may be wondering. Are they really that radical to cause so much controversy? The short answer: no.
The longer answer will involve me sharing a few snippets of the foundation of eating disorder recovery. The cool part is that you don't have to have had an eating disorder to apply these principles to your life! Anyone can improve their relationship with food from where it is by utilizing the intuitive eating mindset. In short, there are 10 principles of intuitive eating that I will list below:
- Reject the Diet Mentality.
- Honor your Hunger
- Make Peace with Food
- Challenge the Food Police
- Respect your Fullness
- Discover the Satisfaction Factor
- Honor Your Feelings without Using Food
- Respect your Body
- Exercise - Feel the Difference
- Honor your Health
In conclusion: I don't want to hear about your diet. I don't want to hear about how many calories you burned at the gym this morning at an ungodly hour. I am working from coming back from that, and I barely have the strength to fight against my own negative ed thoughts. I don't have the time or energy to fight anyone else's disordered thoughts and behaviors at this point in time. But trust me, as soon as that energy is there, I will be fighting for true health for everyone until I can't anymore.
Glo
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