Old and New Adventures
This weekend I went on a retreat with my old Christian organization from UT that I was a part of last year. I decided to sort of impulsively but it also seemed like I might be a good idea to reintroduce myself into the community I might be returning to in the spring. However, as soon as the week beforehand, this fabulous idea of mine begin to feel a little less than ideal. I was getting really anxious about what even the first minute of being back would look like, running through all the possible scenarios in my head. In one of them there were mostly new people and nobody remembered who I was. In another everyone asked me where I had been right when I walked in and I would have to awkwardly explain. I was fearful of anything remotely uncomfortable happening. I talked to my therapist and got a few of the scenarios under my belt in the days before leaving which relieved some of my worries. I was also worried that I would simply be late and everyone there would be angry at me for making the group late to leave for the campsite. I would be leaving CFD at 3pm, have to go home and switch out cars, and get to the campus center in Austin at 6. All during prime traffic hours on a Friday evening. This was less than promising to my anxiety. I was impressed, however, at my ability to stay present and focused while in program from 12-3 even forgetting, at some points, about my whereabouts to follow in the early evening.
Prior to program I tried fixing myself breakfast. Twice. I was trying to get creative with a smoothie the first time which I turned out disliking. Then, after a short break, I tried fixing oatmeal on the stove the way my mom does and it ended in a failure as well. So I gave up in the kitchen and breakfast didn't happen that morning. This was an unfortunate win for my eating disorder. Where ed really took a win was when he had me send a picture of my breakfast from last week to my therapist posing as the meal I had eaten that morning. A lie. He wanted me to get around the new system of accountability I had set up with my therapist after ratting myself out last week where we decided I should send her pictures of all my meals. Luckily for me after after I received a response later in the day, I shed light on what I had done. The system was adjusted and now ed is being cornered more strategically. I ate lunch at CFD per usual and participated in the two groups before leaving to go switch out cars with my dad at 3. I was running a few minutes behind but I used the skill, "Checking the Facts" to know that even if I was late, essentially it wouldn't be social suicide. We were instructed to eat dinner before or bring it with us to the campus center like the past two retreats I have been on. My track record is now two for three in skipped dinners before retreats in the past year. Thanks ed. I mean he told me I was running late and there was no time to stop for food. Plus I would be eating so much that weekend, sacrificing this dinner was my ticket to being guilt free! But of course that wasn't true. My ticket to a guilt free weekend would have been eating dinner, feeling satisfied, and not thinking about food for the rest of the night like I did. Because I was already so anxious about how everything would turn out, I had significantly less strength in me to fight off ed.
Immediately upon seeing burnt orange signs lining the streets, students with northface backpacks, and, god forbid, the UT bell tower, my amygdala kicked in. Flight, fight or freeze mode had selected flight and thus every part of me wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I think the only thing that kept me from fleeing was a) I was super tired and no more energy to drive and B) knowing I would almost instantly be laving the campus for a retreat center an hour west of Austin which was far enough from UT for my heart to handle at that moment. Being back in Austin and seeing campus for the first time really freaked me the fuck out about having to come back to the place that reeked of depression and bad memories. I also felt like I was hit with a wall of shame for not being there this semester. I felt incredibly out of place and anxious just driving around the premisses of the university. It felt like my head was going to burst because all these scenes from last year were playing in my head all at once and none of them were from the few good times I had there. I tried to just focus on the task at hand, getting to the campus center and leaving for retreat. I followed the GPS despite knowing exactly where I was, and made it into the parking, in the doors, and on the road to the retreat center.
In the first hour or so I did get a few questions about what I had been up to and how was I doing, but more than questions I got hugs. It was definitely a blessing to see some friends from what seems like my past life. All the old insecurities and anxieties that I tried to escape using the eating disorder flooded in through the door that was opened when I went back into the environment where they flourished the most. All the sudden I hated myself for not being able to converse well enough, for not fitting in, for being introverted, for being me. All of the sudden it was like I never left and I was back wanting to be anyone but me in every moment. All I really wanted to do was leave. I felt uncomfortable, constrained and unworthy. This wasn't the sole thing I felt over the weekend, but it monopolized. Fear was also present. Just this overwhelming sense that I wasn't ever going to be good enough or find a place in that for myself in that space. And what really scared me is that I loved that space and those people, but I was still a nervous wreck the whole time. So I kept thinking, if I can't do this here, the whole socializing, making friends deal, I am not going to be able to do it anywhere in the real world! I know this is catastrophizing and is not likely to be the outcome, but I haven't trained my brain to out-rule all these automatic thoughts yet.
Something I am proud of that I accomplished this weekend was sharing about my eating disorder with my small group of 4 other girls and also a few additional friends. It first came up when the two who I had told there was a longer story to the "what have you been up to??" question came up to me the first evening in my bed and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said yes and shared a briefly about my situation and where I was at with it all. They were very kind and supportive and I was glad to be able to be authentic with them. What really surprised me about myself was that I was able to tell my small group, 3/4 of the girls whom I had just met, about it as well. I had given a small spiel about the importance of vulnerability in our first meet up, and I held myself to my own standard by sharing about the struggles with my eating disorder in our next gathering. I didn't really introduce it much, but rather I simply said that (in regards to the conversation) I try to perform for others through the acts of my eating disorder and it's something I really struggle to overcome in recovery. I felt like simply by sharing my own truth I made the space a little more safe and increased the chances for connection among all the group members just enough to notice a slight shift in the group chemistry. I really don't know how my sharing impacted the others, but I can only hope it did in a positive way.
So as you can take from this post, the trip was very anxiety provoking and scary overall. But it was so needed. It enlightened me on the things I am struggling with and also it showed me so much of where I have grown since I left in May. I saw things with a new perspective. Some might even call it a therapeutic perspective. It is giving me food for thought as I make decisions for my future. I think most importantly I reconnected with people whom I, at one point when I wasn't depressed, spent a lot of time and energy getting to know and having experiences with. And that I am thankful for.
Glo
Prior to program I tried fixing myself breakfast. Twice. I was trying to get creative with a smoothie the first time which I turned out disliking. Then, after a short break, I tried fixing oatmeal on the stove the way my mom does and it ended in a failure as well. So I gave up in the kitchen and breakfast didn't happen that morning. This was an unfortunate win for my eating disorder. Where ed really took a win was when he had me send a picture of my breakfast from last week to my therapist posing as the meal I had eaten that morning. A lie. He wanted me to get around the new system of accountability I had set up with my therapist after ratting myself out last week where we decided I should send her pictures of all my meals. Luckily for me after after I received a response later in the day, I shed light on what I had done. The system was adjusted and now ed is being cornered more strategically. I ate lunch at CFD per usual and participated in the two groups before leaving to go switch out cars with my dad at 3. I was running a few minutes behind but I used the skill, "Checking the Facts" to know that even if I was late, essentially it wouldn't be social suicide. We were instructed to eat dinner before or bring it with us to the campus center like the past two retreats I have been on. My track record is now two for three in skipped dinners before retreats in the past year. Thanks ed. I mean he told me I was running late and there was no time to stop for food. Plus I would be eating so much that weekend, sacrificing this dinner was my ticket to being guilt free! But of course that wasn't true. My ticket to a guilt free weekend would have been eating dinner, feeling satisfied, and not thinking about food for the rest of the night like I did. Because I was already so anxious about how everything would turn out, I had significantly less strength in me to fight off ed.
Immediately upon seeing burnt orange signs lining the streets, students with northface backpacks, and, god forbid, the UT bell tower, my amygdala kicked in. Flight, fight or freeze mode had selected flight and thus every part of me wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I think the only thing that kept me from fleeing was a) I was super tired and no more energy to drive and B) knowing I would almost instantly be laving the campus for a retreat center an hour west of Austin which was far enough from UT for my heart to handle at that moment. Being back in Austin and seeing campus for the first time really freaked me the fuck out about having to come back to the place that reeked of depression and bad memories. I also felt like I was hit with a wall of shame for not being there this semester. I felt incredibly out of place and anxious just driving around the premisses of the university. It felt like my head was going to burst because all these scenes from last year were playing in my head all at once and none of them were from the few good times I had there. I tried to just focus on the task at hand, getting to the campus center and leaving for retreat. I followed the GPS despite knowing exactly where I was, and made it into the parking, in the doors, and on the road to the retreat center.
In the first hour or so I did get a few questions about what I had been up to and how was I doing, but more than questions I got hugs. It was definitely a blessing to see some friends from what seems like my past life. All the old insecurities and anxieties that I tried to escape using the eating disorder flooded in through the door that was opened when I went back into the environment where they flourished the most. All the sudden I hated myself for not being able to converse well enough, for not fitting in, for being introverted, for being me. All of the sudden it was like I never left and I was back wanting to be anyone but me in every moment. All I really wanted to do was leave. I felt uncomfortable, constrained and unworthy. This wasn't the sole thing I felt over the weekend, but it monopolized. Fear was also present. Just this overwhelming sense that I wasn't ever going to be good enough or find a place in that for myself in that space. And what really scared me is that I loved that space and those people, but I was still a nervous wreck the whole time. So I kept thinking, if I can't do this here, the whole socializing, making friends deal, I am not going to be able to do it anywhere in the real world! I know this is catastrophizing and is not likely to be the outcome, but I haven't trained my brain to out-rule all these automatic thoughts yet.
Something I am proud of that I accomplished this weekend was sharing about my eating disorder with my small group of 4 other girls and also a few additional friends. It first came up when the two who I had told there was a longer story to the "what have you been up to??" question came up to me the first evening in my bed and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said yes and shared a briefly about my situation and where I was at with it all. They were very kind and supportive and I was glad to be able to be authentic with them. What really surprised me about myself was that I was able to tell my small group, 3/4 of the girls whom I had just met, about it as well. I had given a small spiel about the importance of vulnerability in our first meet up, and I held myself to my own standard by sharing about the struggles with my eating disorder in our next gathering. I didn't really introduce it much, but rather I simply said that (in regards to the conversation) I try to perform for others through the acts of my eating disorder and it's something I really struggle to overcome in recovery. I felt like simply by sharing my own truth I made the space a little more safe and increased the chances for connection among all the group members just enough to notice a slight shift in the group chemistry. I really don't know how my sharing impacted the others, but I can only hope it did in a positive way.
So as you can take from this post, the trip was very anxiety provoking and scary overall. But it was so needed. It enlightened me on the things I am struggling with and also it showed me so much of where I have grown since I left in May. I saw things with a new perspective. Some might even call it a therapeutic perspective. It is giving me food for thought as I make decisions for my future. I think most importantly I reconnected with people whom I, at one point when I wasn't depressed, spent a lot of time and energy getting to know and having experiences with. And that I am thankful for.
Glo
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