Why?
Ah yes, the age old question.
"Gloria, why do you do this to yourself?"
"But why can't you just stop?"
"Why did you start doing this in the first place?"
WHY WHY WHY WHY
Here's the deal: If I could tell you why, I wouldn't have an eating disorder.
Something that is hard for me to believe is that I didn't choose to have an eating disorder. It feels like I made all the choices necessary to get one. But another way to look at it is that I chose something that was the only means I had to cope at the time. I had nothing else to turn to, so in a a sense, my ed kept me safe. It kept me alive. But soon after I was using it more frequently, even when I didn't have anything to cope with. It became something I was addicted to. Something I believed (and at times I still do) that it is something I couldn't live without. Even when I was told I could live without it, I had grown such an attachment to this way of coping that I didn't want to give it up. Wanting to give up your favorite coping mechanism is easier said than done. Especially a coping mechanism that worked so well, until it didn't. I have been putting some of the disorder on the back-burner. I am afraid to give up this way of achieving some sense of control. I am afraid that if I surrender every aspect of the eating disorder I will never have the option of going back to it because I will "forget" how to have one.
There are primary gains and secondary gains to eds. Primary gains are the reason an eating disorder usually develops usually in regards to numbing or repressing your feelings. This happens without the knowledge of the person doing it most often. Secondary gains are benefits you receive for being "the sick one" that don't typically show up until after you enter treatment or accept you have a problem in one form or another. They can also be expressed in the form of fear of getting better and losing these benefits. As of today, I was receiving primary gains from only a few aspects of my eating disorder at this point in time. I say "was" because today, I ratted myself out to my therapist. And despite the negative connotation this has, it is actually praised upon in the treatment world because of the amount of honesty it takes and how it builds trust with your treatment team. Too bad it took me about two months to do so.
It goes without being said that I, as many do in our day and age, place a lot of value on the number on the scale. Too much value. I bought myself a scale around April this year and was way too excited about it. That number controlled not only what I ate, but who I was, who I am. Granting myself access to it by having one for myself only let it devour me even more. I still have that scale. And I still used it every day up until today. Today I told my therapist that I have been logging my weight and calories for about the past eight weeks. It was one of the hardest things I have done and I didn't really want to do it. Why did it I do it then? Because a strong little part of me wanted to be honest and hold onto the values that my eating disorder stole from me.
Ever since I started to have signs of disordered eating as a kid, there began to be a shift in my values. Slowly, my shape, size and weight climbed to the top jumping over things from having respect for myself, to honesty and integrity. Soon it became one of my core values: how I looked. It is no longer at the top, but it has a ways to go before it has completely descended unto it's rightful place. Because of where I am right now, seeing my body change back to it's healthy form and not the malnourished state I left it in is not always pleasant. In fact, it often sucks. The ed voice congratulating me for losing weight, it made me feel accomplished and worthy when I could find worth no where else. That being said, to undo the progress/damage (depends on if you're talking to the eating disorder or Gloria) that caused me to lose weight feels incredibly disheartening. This feeling of failure probably doesn't sound to foreign to any chronic dieter who has lost and gained back weight in a cyclical pattern. Breaking this cycle requires gaining weight. It may not be there forever, but in order to find the set point for your body, it needs all the fuel you can give it. Because you until you give it to your body, your body cannot use it in all the ways it needs to.
Watching the scale through this has not been ideal. In fact, it has probably been the biggest obstacle through the progress of my recovery. It made me resistant to my meal plan for the longest time initially landing me in residential. Then I received ultimatums once I was home regarding behaviors that if were not met would just land me back on another involuntary six to eight week "vacation". All because I am chasing a forever changing number that, once achieved, will supposedly solve all my problems. One of the hardest parts was having to pretend I wasn't chasing a specific number. Pretending I was oblivious to what they didn't tell us as they too our weekly vitals. Pretending I wasn't always thinking about how, eventually I was gonna "reverse the damage". Not to mention pretending I wasn't always counting calories in my head and later transferring that information to paper. Now the past three or four weeks I have been more massive toward said information. I haven't been totaling my intake because I don't want to see the number. I haven't been restricting or acting out in as many behaviors so the it was more of just for observation. For knowing the amount I was fucking ed over and thus the part of me that was ruled by him.
Figuring out what tense to write this in has been tricky. I literally told my therapist the same day I am writing this. I haven't even actually gotten rid of the scale yet like I said I would. I am still kinda of upset with myself for coming clean because now I have to grieve such a large part of my ed that is essentially dead now. I have to believe this is for the best, though. I have to believe that doing this puts me on the path to really wanting recovery. I can't do that while being hung up on a number that really has no more power over me than my wingspan or show size.
Glo
"Gloria, why do you do this to yourself?"
"But why can't you just stop?"
"Why did you start doing this in the first place?"
WHY WHY WHY WHY
Here's the deal: If I could tell you why, I wouldn't have an eating disorder.
Something that is hard for me to believe is that I didn't choose to have an eating disorder. It feels like I made all the choices necessary to get one. But another way to look at it is that I chose something that was the only means I had to cope at the time. I had nothing else to turn to, so in a a sense, my ed kept me safe. It kept me alive. But soon after I was using it more frequently, even when I didn't have anything to cope with. It became something I was addicted to. Something I believed (and at times I still do) that it is something I couldn't live without. Even when I was told I could live without it, I had grown such an attachment to this way of coping that I didn't want to give it up. Wanting to give up your favorite coping mechanism is easier said than done. Especially a coping mechanism that worked so well, until it didn't. I have been putting some of the disorder on the back-burner. I am afraid to give up this way of achieving some sense of control. I am afraid that if I surrender every aspect of the eating disorder I will never have the option of going back to it because I will "forget" how to have one.
There are primary gains and secondary gains to eds. Primary gains are the reason an eating disorder usually develops usually in regards to numbing or repressing your feelings. This happens without the knowledge of the person doing it most often. Secondary gains are benefits you receive for being "the sick one" that don't typically show up until after you enter treatment or accept you have a problem in one form or another. They can also be expressed in the form of fear of getting better and losing these benefits. As of today, I was receiving primary gains from only a few aspects of my eating disorder at this point in time. I say "was" because today, I ratted myself out to my therapist. And despite the negative connotation this has, it is actually praised upon in the treatment world because of the amount of honesty it takes and how it builds trust with your treatment team. Too bad it took me about two months to do so.
It goes without being said that I, as many do in our day and age, place a lot of value on the number on the scale. Too much value. I bought myself a scale around April this year and was way too excited about it. That number controlled not only what I ate, but who I was, who I am. Granting myself access to it by having one for myself only let it devour me even more. I still have that scale. And I still used it every day up until today. Today I told my therapist that I have been logging my weight and calories for about the past eight weeks. It was one of the hardest things I have done and I didn't really want to do it. Why did it I do it then? Because a strong little part of me wanted to be honest and hold onto the values that my eating disorder stole from me.
Ever since I started to have signs of disordered eating as a kid, there began to be a shift in my values. Slowly, my shape, size and weight climbed to the top jumping over things from having respect for myself, to honesty and integrity. Soon it became one of my core values: how I looked. It is no longer at the top, but it has a ways to go before it has completely descended unto it's rightful place. Because of where I am right now, seeing my body change back to it's healthy form and not the malnourished state I left it in is not always pleasant. In fact, it often sucks. The ed voice congratulating me for losing weight, it made me feel accomplished and worthy when I could find worth no where else. That being said, to undo the progress/damage (depends on if you're talking to the eating disorder or Gloria) that caused me to lose weight feels incredibly disheartening. This feeling of failure probably doesn't sound to foreign to any chronic dieter who has lost and gained back weight in a cyclical pattern. Breaking this cycle requires gaining weight. It may not be there forever, but in order to find the set point for your body, it needs all the fuel you can give it. Because you until you give it to your body, your body cannot use it in all the ways it needs to.
Watching the scale through this has not been ideal. In fact, it has probably been the biggest obstacle through the progress of my recovery. It made me resistant to my meal plan for the longest time initially landing me in residential. Then I received ultimatums once I was home regarding behaviors that if were not met would just land me back on another involuntary six to eight week "vacation". All because I am chasing a forever changing number that, once achieved, will supposedly solve all my problems. One of the hardest parts was having to pretend I wasn't chasing a specific number. Pretending I was oblivious to what they didn't tell us as they too our weekly vitals. Pretending I wasn't always thinking about how, eventually I was gonna "reverse the damage". Not to mention pretending I wasn't always counting calories in my head and later transferring that information to paper. Now the past three or four weeks I have been more massive toward said information. I haven't been totaling my intake because I don't want to see the number. I haven't been restricting or acting out in as many behaviors so the it was more of just for observation. For knowing the amount I was fucking ed over and thus the part of me that was ruled by him.
Figuring out what tense to write this in has been tricky. I literally told my therapist the same day I am writing this. I haven't even actually gotten rid of the scale yet like I said I would. I am still kinda of upset with myself for coming clean because now I have to grieve such a large part of my ed that is essentially dead now. I have to believe this is for the best, though. I have to believe that doing this puts me on the path to really wanting recovery. I can't do that while being hung up on a number that really has no more power over me than my wingspan or show size.
Glo
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