Round Two

The following was something I wrote on December 16th, 2018. I felt it was unfinished at the time, so I didn't post it. However, after rereading it, I can't help but share it because I think it has so much insight into my eating disorder and who I am as a person. 


Hello world.

I am coming back to you from my world. My world that right now exists inside a residential treatment center in Norman, Oklahoma. I have only been here ten days, but it honestly feels like it's been a month. I got picked up at the airport by one of the techs and picked up lunch on the way back. Of course I had skipped breakfast as my last hurrah before admitting. Honestly there isn't too much to tell or update on. I don't really want to be here, the other girls are cool, but I want to go home. I can't really fathom that I am going to be here for a bit longer. I feel like I should be discharged any time now, but it doesn't look like the treatment team here has that in mind. I am still on observation, so I can't do anything, including going to the bathroom, without supervision, and I hate to say I am even pretty used to that. 

I was really afraid of getting a therapist that I didn't like because the last time in residential I wasn't really connecting with the style that my therapist practice. That and I was very defensive of my eating disorder at that point in time, which didn't help. However I think my therapist is a really good fit for me here and we have already had several really productive conversations. It has helped coming into it knowing a bit about myself already and not having to start over and work from the ground up again. 

Something interesting that we discussed in our time together so far is the parallelism between my thoughts and beliefs about people and those I have about food. 

She asked me if I had beliefs I live by, and I proceeded to tell her the rules I have about my social interactions. For instance, if I feel like I have been "too much" in a particular relationship (i.e. sent one too many texts), then I will tell myself I can't reach out to them for X amount of days. She equated this to food and I adjusted her analogy so it would be most fitting to my story. 

• Restricting: I consistently don't allow myself to have adequate connection with others. My relational needs are rarely, if ever, met which puts me in this constant state of starvation. 

• Binging: When I do infrequently ask and receive what I need from others, it feels like I am indulging on the relationship and taking too much from it for myself which leads to feelings of guilt and shame. 

• Purging: Following a "binge" I feel the need to compensate for being overbearing and needy in a relationship. 

I mean, it makes sense. I wish I knew where this kind of thinking came from.

Glo