Gloria

A little while ago, the Lumineers, a band I am very familiar with, released the first single from a new album that they will be unveiling gradually over the coming months. One of my best friends from high school who actually introduced me to them tagged me in their instagram post because the single is called "Gloria". This group is known by fans for their pattern of songs and albums revolving around a females whom they call by name. Cleopatra, their last album, included songs titled "Angela", "Ophelia", and, of course, "Cleopatra". I was definitely excited to be someone who carries the name of a song by artists who I really enjoy that isn't an anthem from before my time or a Christmas carol. I clicked on the link the Lumineers instagram that brought you to the song on Spotify prior to the songs release, and she the artwork for the single and immediately became quite confused. This is what I saw:

At first, I thought it might be some kind of personalization that was applied to everyone when they clicked on the link that added each persons different last name to the album cover. (This was just my initial reaction that didn't make much sense at all, but it still sounded more plausible then it actually being titled my first AND last name at the time). Sure enough though, after going straight to google, I found enough information to determine that it was indeed called, "Gloria Sparks" and the whole album would be based off some "Sparks" family, including someone in the family names Gloria. 

This was way beyond weird to me, to say the least. What were the freaking odds of this happening?!? So now I was even more pumped for the song to drop that Friday at 12AM. Here's where the significance of this event lands me writing about it on this platform for my eating disorder recovery. 

The first few times I listened to it, I wasn't even sure if I really liked it, and I only sort of understood what the message was. It mostly just sounded like words to a melody. However, once I began to really read the lyrics I was sort of taken aback at how applicable it is to my life. I will post the lyrics below so you can start to understand what I mean before going into anymore detail:

Gloria, I smell it on your breath
Gloria, booze and peppermint
Gloria, no one said enough is enough
Gloria, they found you on the floor
Gloria, my hand was tied to yours
And, Gloria, did you finally see that enough is enough?

Did you know me when I was younger then?
I could take the whole world with me
I would find myself feelin' alone
Heaven, help me now, Heaven, show the way
Get me back on my own two feet
I would lie awake and pray you don't lie awake for me

Gloria, you crawled up on your cross
Gloria, you made us sit and watch
Gloria, no one said enough is enough

Heaven, help me now (hey, hey), Heaven, show the way (Heaven, show)
Get me back on my own two feet
I would lie awake and pray you don't lie awake for me
Every night away (every night), every day alone (every day)
Get me back on my own two feet
I would lie awake and pray you don't lie awake for me

Gloria, will you just decide?
Gloria, there's easier ways to die
Gloria, have you had enough

This song is obviously about someone struggling with alcoholism, hence the first stanza. But that can easily be broadened to addiction and overall, mental illness. Like I've mentioned before, having an eating disorder feels very similar to having an addiction (not speaking from personal experience equating the two, but several peers and many mental health professionals speak on this). But really there are so many aspects of this song that touch almost too close to home. I believe that the verses (stanzas 1, 3 and 5) are written from the perspective of, in this case, her husband, but can more generally be applied to any loved ones of someone struggling. What I take away from the first verse is the idea that at the beginning of someone's struggle, warning signs are often ignored and covered up because of shame and the desire to keep it all a secret from anyone who would want to help. It usually isn't, in at least my case, until the persons breaking point that they are willing to acknowledge the severity of their problem. And even then, it really didn't sink in for me personally until much later.   It took time to peel back layers of the disease that had blinded me to see at face value how destructive it really was for my life. The unfortunate thing is that once these things are reveled to someone struggling, particularly with an eating disorder, the ed voice is smart enough to find ways to blind people, including me, over and over. Many people romanticize their illnesses when they were at their worst, only remembering how it served them and the good things it make them feel in the moment. It can be difficult to maintain the epiphany you have about the illness and the real evil it is. 

The next portion of the song is showing Gloria looking back at times before she was struggling with her addiction as she recalls the remarkable person she was before. For people who have been sick for a long time, this can be more difficult. For me, my disorder developed gradually and it began by stealing parts of who I am since a young age of 11 or 12. So for me, I do have difficulty remembering what life was life before any of this occurred. This is followed by a really pertinent part of this song that is repeated throughout the chorus. It says, "I would lie awake, and pray you don't lie awake for me". This pokes the surface of the massive guilt carried by many who are struggling as they witness their issues affect those that they love. This can be a huge burden to carry. 

The outro of the song, the final stanza, struck closest to home for me because of where I am at in my own journey. There has been so much back and forth and shifts in my disorder, I've taken one step forward and two steps back countless times. My eating disorder has manipulated me so well so it seems like whenever I actually find myself doing well, something flips and things change. I know that  I will have to push through and really fight the manipulation of the voice in my head trying to keep me sick through those times in order give up my disorder for good. It will just take a decision on my part to fight that fight, over and over again until the voice begins to shrink inside my head. Thus, "Gloria, will you just decide?" Which leads into the next line: "Gloria, there are easier ways to die". I have heard before and have since tried to remind myself that if you are not recovering, you are dying. Its not an easy death. Its long and painful on every level. But recovery and death are the two directions you go with each choice you make in regards to your eating disorder. And finally, "Gloria, have you had enough?". The slightly altered wording in this last phrase drives a whole new feelings through the songs end for me. It makes me ask myself, "haven't you had enough??". The answer to this question is complicated because yes, of course I have had enough. It provokes anger in me for it focus me to see all the things that my ed has already taken from me and will continue to take. It makes me angry for me and everyone else that is going through something similar. It also puts a sense of responsibility for the pain I have endured on myself. Not that I did anything wrong that got me here, but that I can do something to stop it. I make choices everyday and when those choices don't reflect my answer of "yes, I HAVE had enough", I can see the part of me that it still gripped by my disorder. The part of me that tries to tell me that I haven't had enough of it. That I still never got sick enough. That it still makes life easier and better for me in some way. It never fails to leave me to evaluate some of the most integral questions of recovery, as if every time I listen to this song, I am doing a check in with my priorities and realizing that they sometimes are not where they should be. 

I think it is important to check in with these things for me right now, especially today. One year ago today I began my treatment process just one day after getting home from UT. I still remember my first day pretty vividly relative to how I usually remember things. It's crazy to me that I changed this much in a year, but also am still struggling with some of the exact same things I was then. I have never grown more as a person in just one year in my whole life. Because while, yes, the eating disorder is still there and I am particularly struggling with it right now, I have so much more knowledge around it. I am so much more emotionally aware. I can see the lies that my head and our culture tell us about health and beauty. I can almost always answer my own questions and fight my own thoughts even if I choose not to. Which leads me back to that last stanza, "Gloria, when will you just decide?" To move forward I know I need to make that choice to forge on through the war zone of my brain, rapidly firing unhealthy thoughts to which I have retaliation in my tool box. I just have to decide that I have had enough. 

Glo