Seasons
It only took a matter of hours for Texas to go from a sweaty, humid 90 degree summer day, to a brisk 50 degrees the next. It took me by surprise and I found myself feeling things that I'm not sure I will be able to explain! A sort of nostalgia, but not a particularly pleasant one. The cool breeze reminded me of the place I was at mentally last year (pretty damn depressed) and also physically as a result (i.e. living at home, going to treatment at Center for Discovery). At the same time it gave me specific visions of the first cool days we had while I was at UT, even remembering what I wore when shorts were no longer the only reasonable option. The weather didn't fail to remind me of times as far back as high school, for the changing temperature meant theater was picking up pace and memories of those activities and time of my life peeped in, too. I think themes that stuck out during these time that I currently resonate with are feelings of uncertainty and fear. It has happened a number of times over the past few weeks and initially I thought it wasn't a normal or "right" response. I knew that it was common for symptoms surrounding trauma to get worse during the time of year associated with them, but I only could validate this truth for people who experienced "severe trauma" outlined in the books. It didn't (and still doesn't) feel acceptable or valid that this could be a response to the anniversary of a depressive episode or other seemingly normal life events I went through.
So as a result of my self-inflicted invalidation, the first time my anxiety became overwhelming in this context, I called myself crazy and told myself to get over it. Obviously this didn't work, so I just got more frustrated when the feelings remained. I didn't understand why it felt like I was anxious and fearful of things that had already happened and why I couldn't bring myself back to the present. It wasn't that there were rapid thoughts firing through my brain at these bouts of anxiety, rather it was a strong presence of physical symptoms that make it so difficult to shake. My chest felt heavy and tight and I had to consciously regulate my breathing. I tried initially to push through and distract with studying because I have some tests coming up, but it felt nearly impossible to ignore that my body was signaling to me, accurately or not, that something was wrong. I granted myself permission to stop trying to avoid it and take a break from working. I have had to do this more times than I would have like to this week, which has in turn made me more anxious since I feel like I am behind in preparing for exams. It hasn't been the most nurturing of cycles to be spinning in, to say the least. This discomfort has hindered other areas of my life including school and my eating disorder.
Because I experienced this anxiety again relatively intensely on Thursday, and a few other random happenings (including already having a therapy session scheduled for the next day), I decided to go to the open ED support group they hold at CFD that evening. It's a group I have been to in the past and have always had mixed feelings about. On the one hand, it feels reviving to talk to people who "get it", especially when they are peers whom I am comfortable with, which in Thursdays case, they all were. On the other hand, its really hard being back in that building with al the memories I have associated with it. I sometimes wonder if its sensible to others there. So there is that conflict playing out. In addition to that, I had been fighting with myself about when I was going to "let myself" go to the group after discharging five weeks ago. It really goes back to the long-held belief I held/hold that things like support, care and love are finite. I felt like I had to "earn" the right to receive support again from the same resource I had felt like I had become dependent on in the past. As in, the longer I waited to return to that group, the more deserving I was of using it because I had rationed it out in a way that wouldn't deprive me of it in the future. When I talked about this in therapy today, I took a second to recognize that I know logically that this is a false assumption: that this support group which is held weekly whether I attend or not, is going to "run out" of the very thing it's designed to give! But for me, it feels true. Despite the fact that I didn't feel like I had waited long enough, I decided to go this week and all in all, I am glad I did. It was incredibly anxiety provoking as expected, but at least it allowed me to take one step in the right direction of dismantling the belief that I have to be careful and calculated about the connections I let myself have. What came from this discussion about how I felt about the group with my therapist, was the notion that it can be much simpler, even if that doesn't feel true. That I can decide that I am going to go to this group, regardless of how anyone else sees it, for my own self care, and that alone. I can take away the constant evaluation (read minimization) of my needs by determining in advance. Which means, for the near future, going to this group is something that I will just do, and it has nothing to do with anything about my worth or how much I "need" it, rather its something I find helpful, and thats reason enough.
Glo
So as a result of my self-inflicted invalidation, the first time my anxiety became overwhelming in this context, I called myself crazy and told myself to get over it. Obviously this didn't work, so I just got more frustrated when the feelings remained. I didn't understand why it felt like I was anxious and fearful of things that had already happened and why I couldn't bring myself back to the present. It wasn't that there were rapid thoughts firing through my brain at these bouts of anxiety, rather it was a strong presence of physical symptoms that make it so difficult to shake. My chest felt heavy and tight and I had to consciously regulate my breathing. I tried initially to push through and distract with studying because I have some tests coming up, but it felt nearly impossible to ignore that my body was signaling to me, accurately or not, that something was wrong. I granted myself permission to stop trying to avoid it and take a break from working. I have had to do this more times than I would have like to this week, which has in turn made me more anxious since I feel like I am behind in preparing for exams. It hasn't been the most nurturing of cycles to be spinning in, to say the least. This discomfort has hindered other areas of my life including school and my eating disorder.
Because I experienced this anxiety again relatively intensely on Thursday, and a few other random happenings (including already having a therapy session scheduled for the next day), I decided to go to the open ED support group they hold at CFD that evening. It's a group I have been to in the past and have always had mixed feelings about. On the one hand, it feels reviving to talk to people who "get it", especially when they are peers whom I am comfortable with, which in Thursdays case, they all were. On the other hand, its really hard being back in that building with al the memories I have associated with it. I sometimes wonder if its sensible to others there. So there is that conflict playing out. In addition to that, I had been fighting with myself about when I was going to "let myself" go to the group after discharging five weeks ago. It really goes back to the long-held belief I held/hold that things like support, care and love are finite. I felt like I had to "earn" the right to receive support again from the same resource I had felt like I had become dependent on in the past. As in, the longer I waited to return to that group, the more deserving I was of using it because I had rationed it out in a way that wouldn't deprive me of it in the future. When I talked about this in therapy today, I took a second to recognize that I know logically that this is a false assumption: that this support group which is held weekly whether I attend or not, is going to "run out" of the very thing it's designed to give! But for me, it feels true. Despite the fact that I didn't feel like I had waited long enough, I decided to go this week and all in all, I am glad I did. It was incredibly anxiety provoking as expected, but at least it allowed me to take one step in the right direction of dismantling the belief that I have to be careful and calculated about the connections I let myself have. What came from this discussion about how I felt about the group with my therapist, was the notion that it can be much simpler, even if that doesn't feel true. That I can decide that I am going to go to this group, regardless of how anyone else sees it, for my own self care, and that alone. I can take away the constant evaluation (read minimization) of my needs by determining in advance. Which means, for the near future, going to this group is something that I will just do, and it has nothing to do with anything about my worth or how much I "need" it, rather its something I find helpful, and thats reason enough.
Glo
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