Rut
Welcome back! I am delightful to inform y'all that almost nothing significant has happened in the past month between posts! Of course, that's not entirely true, its been hard and stressful and a lot of other things which I will dive into shortly, but none of them are a result of me falling off the wagon (a shame-skewed term, granted it wasn't directed at myself so I am allowing it) or having a crisis of any real sort! This period of stagnancy still has been bumpy, but I call it stagnant because where I have wavered has been within a range that has permitted me to stay not only enrolled in school, but to be as mentally present for it as I probably could have hoped for given my circumstances. In fact, I was commended by a member of my treatment team this week for the work I have done since stepping down to outpatient. I was getting down on myself and she wanted to highlight that the struggles I was describing were not unexpected for anyone in recovery to experience. Also that I had figured out how to push through in terms of stepping down to outpatient in the midst of steady decline, even when many people weren't so optimistic about my decision to leave treatment (understandably so). A few days later after taking these thoughts into therapy, I was reminded of the hard work I had done in the last few months by my therapist. They have all said they hadn't expected things to go as well as they did and it was me that surpassed their expectations with my actions.
These were nice reminders, but I guess it just doesn't feel like I did as much work as they seem to think it was. I feel like a switch flipped in the chaos of that transition and I felt I had some room for leeway on my "sick enough" measure since I felt like I had a lot of people on their toes. Also I wanted to stay in school because it was going well and the fulfillment it brought me was something I had not experienced in quite some time. Those things together just gave me the jump start to make changes I didn't want to make in that time. Because, then, it felt dire to do so. As my motivation seems to ween, slowly but effectively, I feel like I am reaching the pivotal point that I have seen numerous times before in this realm of my life. Stagnancy leading to complete surrender to decline. Declining is comforting because I know at least a few people won't turn away. The daunting fear of losing support, real or perceived when its really just concern, disintegrates. I am trying to deconstruct why that particular fear, not being too sick or being too isolated or being too stubborn, is the one that tends to win in that multidimensional tug-of-war that determines my actions. It is not a silent conflict by any means. It is constant and often loud. There is no way to predict the future nor how other people will perceive me, but my eating disorder and I are constantly trying to evaluate both.
It's a bit of a mess. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that I freaking love learning and going to school as stressful, as it is sometimes, and I am going to try my damn hardest to make sure I can keep doing that. In regards to school, Who knew it could make you feel so good when the things you are learning in class stick with you and they change how you see and think in the world! It's also absolutely insane that I am back in classes like chemistry and anatomy to begin with and how grateful I am for feeling so content with what I have decided to study. This eating disorder has completely fucked up a whole lot of shit for me, no doubt. But I was the senior in high school who literally had no idea what I wanted to do for a career and every time I got asked about it (which is nonstop all year) I felt empty and so lost. I went into UT as a Rhetoric and Writing major because I knew I liked writing at times even though I didn't know to what capacity. From that point on I began convincing myself I wasn't a science or math person because telling myself that helped me feel more secure in what felt like a life-altering decision at the time, regardless of it's truth value. I have come a long long way from that state of mind. I am now in a totally different major and field than I was before, I am not terrified of the idea of finding out that I want to do something different, and my future, while still frightening, is also super exciting for me to think about. The thing that scares me is wondering where I would have been if the ED had never snowballed like it did two years ago and I was still studying at UT and probably suffering with a choice that I felt constricted by. It blows my mind and like am, like I said, truly so grateful when I think of how perfectly the stars aligned for me in at least that part of my life after feeling like I would never find my way.
Finding gratitude when it can be easy to overlook it has helped me keep my head above the water. That is not a new thing for me, in fact. I implemented the method of "trying not to take things for granted" around my junior year in high school to try to help ease the trouble I realized I was having with change. It worked wonders, especially because I was so intentional about practicing it (because it is a practice). In every moment when I was feeling some feeling I either didn't like at all, or liked a lot, I made sure to note that I would miss it someday in one way or another. I tried to use it as a tool to stay present and appreciate each moment for creating me into the person I would become. This is something I 100% have not been diligent on since my eating disorder diverted all of my focus, but as I write this, I am going to commit to strengthening that muscle of gratitude once more. I think it has the potential to carry me through the deeper waters I'm treading in right now. With that, today I am grateful for the fun group I had during chemistry lab this semester (today was our last one), the fact that I have the means to have a wonderful treatment team on my side, and my cat, Leo.
Glo
These were nice reminders, but I guess it just doesn't feel like I did as much work as they seem to think it was. I feel like a switch flipped in the chaos of that transition and I felt I had some room for leeway on my "sick enough" measure since I felt like I had a lot of people on their toes. Also I wanted to stay in school because it was going well and the fulfillment it brought me was something I had not experienced in quite some time. Those things together just gave me the jump start to make changes I didn't want to make in that time. Because, then, it felt dire to do so. As my motivation seems to ween, slowly but effectively, I feel like I am reaching the pivotal point that I have seen numerous times before in this realm of my life. Stagnancy leading to complete surrender to decline. Declining is comforting because I know at least a few people won't turn away. The daunting fear of losing support, real or perceived when its really just concern, disintegrates. I am trying to deconstruct why that particular fear, not being too sick or being too isolated or being too stubborn, is the one that tends to win in that multidimensional tug-of-war that determines my actions. It is not a silent conflict by any means. It is constant and often loud. There is no way to predict the future nor how other people will perceive me, but my eating disorder and I are constantly trying to evaluate both.
It's a bit of a mess. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that I freaking love learning and going to school as stressful, as it is sometimes, and I am going to try my damn hardest to make sure I can keep doing that. In regards to school, Who knew it could make you feel so good when the things you are learning in class stick with you and they change how you see and think in the world! It's also absolutely insane that I am back in classes like chemistry and anatomy to begin with and how grateful I am for feeling so content with what I have decided to study. This eating disorder has completely fucked up a whole lot of shit for me, no doubt. But I was the senior in high school who literally had no idea what I wanted to do for a career and every time I got asked about it (which is nonstop all year) I felt empty and so lost. I went into UT as a Rhetoric and Writing major because I knew I liked writing at times even though I didn't know to what capacity. From that point on I began convincing myself I wasn't a science or math person because telling myself that helped me feel more secure in what felt like a life-altering decision at the time, regardless of it's truth value. I have come a long long way from that state of mind. I am now in a totally different major and field than I was before, I am not terrified of the idea of finding out that I want to do something different, and my future, while still frightening, is also super exciting for me to think about. The thing that scares me is wondering where I would have been if the ED had never snowballed like it did two years ago and I was still studying at UT and probably suffering with a choice that I felt constricted by. It blows my mind and like am, like I said, truly so grateful when I think of how perfectly the stars aligned for me in at least that part of my life after feeling like I would never find my way.
Finding gratitude when it can be easy to overlook it has helped me keep my head above the water. That is not a new thing for me, in fact. I implemented the method of "trying not to take things for granted" around my junior year in high school to try to help ease the trouble I realized I was having with change. It worked wonders, especially because I was so intentional about practicing it (because it is a practice). In every moment when I was feeling some feeling I either didn't like at all, or liked a lot, I made sure to note that I would miss it someday in one way or another. I tried to use it as a tool to stay present and appreciate each moment for creating me into the person I would become. This is something I 100% have not been diligent on since my eating disorder diverted all of my focus, but as I write this, I am going to commit to strengthening that muscle of gratitude once more. I think it has the potential to carry me through the deeper waters I'm treading in right now. With that, today I am grateful for the fun group I had during chemistry lab this semester (today was our last one), the fact that I have the means to have a wonderful treatment team on my side, and my cat, Leo.
Glo
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