People
First off, I would just like to thank those of you reading this who still come back to this space to read what I have to say. It means so much to me that you continue to want to understand the way I experience the world. The last time I checked in here, I was on my way to kicking off my second semester at UH. Things were rough with my eating disorder. I started the year with a short lived, albeit genuine, burst of motivation. It just didn't last. I think at this point it might be helpful to also define what "rough" means even though it is much more comfortable for me to leave things as vague as possible. I'm not drowning the way I was before I received help. However, over the past eight or so months there has been a pretty consistent slow decline. There have been periods where it was stable for a few weeks before a shallow dip, followed by a little stability and another shallow dip. As you can see though, it accumulates over time when there is little is any progress in the other direction. Another shift that occurred is that the restriction went from becoming primarily passive to much more active. This happened during one of said shallow dips over the winter and then again as my New Years resolution, so to speak, was left unresolved. "Yes, Gloria, but what does that mean in your experience?" Right, right, sorry, too vague. (Side note: I want to address that I am not trying to be more specific about the manifestations of my ED on the surface because they are of great importance. I only want to be clear with what I am struggling with so that unpacking the important things has a bigger impact. Plus I recognize that describing things as "rough" or saying only that "I'm struggling" leaves a lot of room for questions when those words have been used in so many different contexts here.) Basically my increased intention to restrict, despite how minimal, resulted in me thinking and desiring food more as well, as expected. I had more thoughts and urges to binge and purge, and eventually, yes, resorting to those things is something that has happened recently here and there.
I can understand that hearing seemingly the same words retold in different orders can be dry at times, especially if you are in the world of eating disorders and recovery yourself, so thank you for sticking it out through that portion of this. It personally helps me hold myself accountable and allows me to check in with where I am at. There are other things I am grateful for right now and that I am really excited to share about. Something that has been really difficult over the past several years is having a solid network of friends. I have made many wonderful and deep connections with people in every milieu of treatment I have been a part of. A handful of those are friendships and relationships that are still impactful and fulfilling today. It's not that I have been missing out on connection, but I feel that much of the connection I receive is from the same sphere. I have been in dire need of some "hey I'm bored lets just hangout" friends. Being in school has allowed for me to find a few reliable connections like those and it has really filled a hole in my life I forgot I needed. I certainly have people who I can share my hardships with, who have been with me through so many dark times, and I still count on those people immensely. Still, it has been really refreshing to have other circles as well where I can start to learn to identify myself through other things aside from my mental health. I have found this dynamic with some of the wonderful classmates who I have had a several classes with. Being able to grab food with people who don't know of or don't totally relate to the gravity of my eating disorder has helped take the focus off of what it is that usually has my undivided attention. I think also that when I am able to form connections without disclosing my situation, it helps begin to wear away at the vast system of roots that ground my identity and purpose to my sickness.
As this has been in my drafts for the last week, I feel that it is not only timely but also appropriate for me to address the global pandemic we have all recently found ourselves in! Since I began flushing out my thoughts in this post, I went from being on a one week spring break from being a full-time commuter student at UH, to being moderately home-bound and on leave from online school. Until the idea of social distancing began to be heavily promoted and my dad went out to get what was the last pack of toilet paper on the shelf in Kroger, I didn't really understand the magnitude of the situation and, even less, what it would mean for me. Not leaving my house, let alone bed, is a trigger for me. Not necessarily for my eating disorder directly, but more for depression which impacts my eating disorder in turn. Seeing people in person is, as I previously alluded to, vastly necessary for my well being. I thrive when I have a consistent but slow stream of deep and light-hearted interactions with those I care about. It seems almost backwards that the latter is actually more difficult in isolation, usually because the times I do expend energy on reaching on to those are spent on getting specific and often more urgent needs met. It is hard for me to have casual conversations when they aren't initiated by casual encounters like running into a friend at the library or sitting with my friends in class and laughing about the various ways we have procrastinated. Missing out on these things and other small joys that come from being around other humans, strangers or friends, is hard for everyone! I don't claim to have it the worst, but I do claim to have it hard for me, just as anyone can for their own experience. One week of spring break was nice, but even still, it was lonely and a bit long. The days were long. I watched the clock go by as I mindlessly scrolled through app after app. To make it worse, the first week I was off wasn't the same week of spring break the rest of my family shared, so, unlike the following week, my sister wasn't around to at least keep me company in doing nothing. All this to say, school has restored a lot for me after missing out on it for a year. I have to laugh a little bit because a large factor of why it is so fulfilling has just effectively been removed from it completely. Like, thanks for that, universe.
People who I do still get to see, for the most part, are those on my treatment team. I always appreciate them so much, as they know, but even more so when connection via my normal outlets is scarce. Recently, I got the opportunity to switch back to seeing therapist I saw while I was in treatment. I am immeasurably grateful and hopeful about it, but it is still a transition, and transitions always take some...navigation. I have talked at nauseam about treatment and how it affected me, but something I have yet to really elaborate on is the rapport I developed with my therapist there and specifically how I was impacted by that. I am still going to hold off on that for the most part, as it something I am now exploring again and need space and time to process. I brought it to your attention though because I think it is already clear that the person in the chair matters and can make a difference in the work you do despite it being your work. Thus, people are important. In various doses and purposes they can add so much to our worlds as they have recently done to mine.
Glo
I can understand that hearing seemingly the same words retold in different orders can be dry at times, especially if you are in the world of eating disorders and recovery yourself, so thank you for sticking it out through that portion of this. It personally helps me hold myself accountable and allows me to check in with where I am at. There are other things I am grateful for right now and that I am really excited to share about. Something that has been really difficult over the past several years is having a solid network of friends. I have made many wonderful and deep connections with people in every milieu of treatment I have been a part of. A handful of those are friendships and relationships that are still impactful and fulfilling today. It's not that I have been missing out on connection, but I feel that much of the connection I receive is from the same sphere. I have been in dire need of some "hey I'm bored lets just hangout" friends. Being in school has allowed for me to find a few reliable connections like those and it has really filled a hole in my life I forgot I needed. I certainly have people who I can share my hardships with, who have been with me through so many dark times, and I still count on those people immensely. Still, it has been really refreshing to have other circles as well where I can start to learn to identify myself through other things aside from my mental health. I have found this dynamic with some of the wonderful classmates who I have had a several classes with. Being able to grab food with people who don't know of or don't totally relate to the gravity of my eating disorder has helped take the focus off of what it is that usually has my undivided attention. I think also that when I am able to form connections without disclosing my situation, it helps begin to wear away at the vast system of roots that ground my identity and purpose to my sickness.
As this has been in my drafts for the last week, I feel that it is not only timely but also appropriate for me to address the global pandemic we have all recently found ourselves in! Since I began flushing out my thoughts in this post, I went from being on a one week spring break from being a full-time commuter student at UH, to being moderately home-bound and on leave from online school. Until the idea of social distancing began to be heavily promoted and my dad went out to get what was the last pack of toilet paper on the shelf in Kroger, I didn't really understand the magnitude of the situation and, even less, what it would mean for me. Not leaving my house, let alone bed, is a trigger for me. Not necessarily for my eating disorder directly, but more for depression which impacts my eating disorder in turn. Seeing people in person is, as I previously alluded to, vastly necessary for my well being. I thrive when I have a consistent but slow stream of deep and light-hearted interactions with those I care about. It seems almost backwards that the latter is actually more difficult in isolation, usually because the times I do expend energy on reaching on to those are spent on getting specific and often more urgent needs met. It is hard for me to have casual conversations when they aren't initiated by casual encounters like running into a friend at the library or sitting with my friends in class and laughing about the various ways we have procrastinated. Missing out on these things and other small joys that come from being around other humans, strangers or friends, is hard for everyone! I don't claim to have it the worst, but I do claim to have it hard for me, just as anyone can for their own experience. One week of spring break was nice, but even still, it was lonely and a bit long. The days were long. I watched the clock go by as I mindlessly scrolled through app after app. To make it worse, the first week I was off wasn't the same week of spring break the rest of my family shared, so, unlike the following week, my sister wasn't around to at least keep me company in doing nothing. All this to say, school has restored a lot for me after missing out on it for a year. I have to laugh a little bit because a large factor of why it is so fulfilling has just effectively been removed from it completely. Like, thanks for that, universe.
People who I do still get to see, for the most part, are those on my treatment team. I always appreciate them so much, as they know, but even more so when connection via my normal outlets is scarce. Recently, I got the opportunity to switch back to seeing therapist I saw while I was in treatment. I am immeasurably grateful and hopeful about it, but it is still a transition, and transitions always take some...navigation. I have talked at nauseam about treatment and how it affected me, but something I have yet to really elaborate on is the rapport I developed with my therapist there and specifically how I was impacted by that. I am still going to hold off on that for the most part, as it something I am now exploring again and need space and time to process. I brought it to your attention though because I think it is already clear that the person in the chair matters and can make a difference in the work you do despite it being your work. Thus, people are important. In various doses and purposes they can add so much to our worlds as they have recently done to mine.
Glo
Comments
Post a Comment